In The Fog

6 January 2011 5pm Twelfth Night
Dear PJ,
So why am I so tired and just blah and wanting to forget tonite and crawl in bed and cuddle up and sleep forever…. Why is my tooth hurting now? Did the lidocaine finally wear off and it is small pain or am I a girl and just being emotional over something that I dont know about? I have felt so off all day long — I just want to have hot milk and to hide and sleep….
See you tonite?

6 January 2011 8:30pm Twelfth Night
Hey Buddy,
Yes, it has been kind of an off week for me too. I had been feeling like our e-mail communications were kind of “off” this last week — not in a bad way…just different somehow. But the icing on the cake was tonight when I sat down in church and 3 peeps in the same row who KNOW me, ignored me and did not even say hello. And a clergy person ignored me as she passed right by me to go sit with another clergy person who also ignored me. It was like, WTF?! PLUS, the whole time before the service started, the 3 peeps in my row were talking and talking and talking. Ugh. Don’t folks PRAY in churches anymore? The kids really were cute though, especially the little shepherds carrying their stuffed sheep and the music was cool and CGC was up there smiling and there was a Happy Dog there who would’ve been wagging a tail if he had one.
Anywho, home sweet home.
And I am always feeling like I want to hibernate and do cat cuddling — I think it’s kind of a winter thing. It was hard to get up to go to the thing tonight because I had two cats snuggling on me and sometimes, it’s like, maybe they have the right idea. And that’s what I meant about the darkness-at-five-o’clock thing, too — it feels so uninviting to go out into the pitch blackness.
Have you ever had the feeling that it’s time to move on, but god isn’t giving up the answer? Been here in Sacto for 15 years and have “wanted” to leave many times (especially when it’s summer!) and at one point I had thought about moving back to LA…but none of that was “real.” Lately, it’s been a kind of intuitive thing, a soul thing, a voice from god kind of thing…. “It’s getting close to the time to move on, PJ”…but I have no idea about the what or where or what the f*ck he’s talking about. So I just gotta keep carrying on ’til the Big Guy gives me a clue.
So I already got my blood test results back today…glucose is fine (no diabetes) but cholesterol went from 220 to 260. Yuck. I don’t believe in taking those dumb cholesterol pills, so dietary changes may be in my near future. Doctor’s appointment on Monday…I’m sure she’ll tell me…. So I’m putting Harry on my calendar for sleepovers for the next two Wednesdays…. I hope the fog lifts soon, both outside and inside….

7 January 2011 7am
On the road again…. Idontknowthenext2linesbutwe’retravlinganddoingfinelife isgoodwhenyoureontheroadagain….
I dont think that is what Willie sang….
Where would I go…if I were to leave…. I have been here 20+ years so I have you beat. I am not certain where I would go…. I think in part it is the job thing that stops me from just getting up and going. And I guess maybe too I figure it will be more when I retire. I am not feeling the wanderlust thing because I do really like where I am. But I think that if I were moving it would be to a smaller town….
I think I missed the holidays — the rain on Christmas & New Year’s was not positive for me…. I missed the walking and being out and seeing everything….  And the cold with the rain wasn’t good for me…. I missed the Centering Prayer group during the Christmas holidays. Thanksgiving was so positive for me with the connection to people and then I got lost with the weather, sleeping through Christmas Eve…. And I think I am just suddenly really feeling old –like my body is not my body that I have been trying to take care of. The stress fracture on my arch has made running hard and then my teeth and it is like I am just aging out and I am going to be in a nursing home….
And the church thing – I loved last night because the kids were great and it was like that for the Christmas Eve service and it seemed so reminiscent of growing up….
In my car I am listening to Pema Chödrön* — she is a Bhuddist monk and she is doing a teaching on the way of the Bodhisattva and it is really good and she is so endearing and funny and gentle. And I really like listening to what the Bodhi has to say. It is simply about kindness and practicing how to be kind — first to yourself…disciplining yourself to be kind to yourself because it cannot extend outward if you hate yourself…. Wow…that is a concept…so….

Okay…. Breathing in…. BhodiiBhodiiBhodi…inner peace…inner peace….

Maybe Saturday a trip to Border’s books for healing…. Well, probably house cleaning…dang it….
Hibernate for 8 hours at a time…. Remember to breathe….

7 January 2011 10:30am
Which Pema Chödrön book are you listening to? I have several of her books which of course I have never cracked open. “No Time To Lose” and “When Things Fall Apart.”

So I am sitting in a small corner of Peet’s while my apartment is being cleaned. You cannot imagine what a relief it is to be having it done…a New Year’s gift to myself. Plus the coffee here is better than the crap I make at home. No gooey freddo whipped-cream chocolate raspberry delight though…just regular with a little milk.

Note from doctor says that my LDL cholesterol (the “bad” stuff) is “out of control” & that I need to take Zocor and then be screened every 6 months…. I am totally freakin’. I have an MD appointment on Monday which gives me time to do extra research and to wallow in self-pity. But it’s my own fault…I’ve been eating too much gloppy stuff. K. used to cook really healthy, boring stuff…so ever since she and I broke up, it’s been downhill-all-the-way as far as food goes.

So I empathize with your angst about the health of your body. I had cataract surgery a couple years ago at a relatively “young age” and now there are my teeth and high cholesterol and constantly fighting the “blues” and feeling out of breath when I climb up the stairs…. Like my 91-year-old friend says, “growing old ain’t for sissies” (quoting Bette Davis). Glass half full though, my blood sugar is normal…I don’t have diabetes.

A trip to a bookstore is always good for healing, although never good for my bank account!

And wanderlust…I used to have tons of it when I was younger and I did travel a lot…and now I kinda wonder “is this it?” — just a bunch of old photos to scan and share on FB? Will I ever get to Europe again? Maybe this all part of the aging thing too…wondering what will have to be left out…. I just can’t imagine doing the Mary W.-thing…being essentially homeless so that I can travel all over the world. Not an option.

Okay…hope you are having a good day despite the cold & this relentless gloomy fog….

*”No Time To Lose” by Pema Chödrön

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About pjh95811

I am a writer and poet living in California. I love cats, dogs, nature, poetry, spirituality and the Pacific Ocean.
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3 Responses to In The Fog

  1. Pat Bremner says:

    My, my… I empathize. Sometimes I feel so in tune with god and the universe and other times I feel as though my brains are sawdust. Who am I? What is this all about? I thought those were adolescent questions but here I am, starting my autumn years with the same angst.

  2. pjh95811 says:

    Pat, We will have to “chat” soon & compare notes. And thanks for reading & for sharing your thoughts.

  3. loloatlarge says:

    I take cholesterol meds — I have for years! and I am not even 50 yet! it’s hereditary. so, it’s not a big deal. I love Pema. LOVE PEMA! I had listened to her for years and another buddhist from Redwood City, can’t think of his name right now. but I really like him. And getting older sucks, but it beats the alternative! I love you PJH! keep writing! I was excited to read all your latest since i was not able to while i was gone. My blackberry says, java is not enabled, whatever that means! :0)

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