It is weird to be unsettled at an age that you had always expected to be settled already.
Or to suddenly wonder, to quote that guy in the movie, “What if this is as good as it gets?”
Or…horrors of horrors…maybe there’s just plain old no such thing as “settled.”
Well, there’s “make lemons out of lemonade” and all that crap, but still, there’s no getting around the fact that sometimes the lemons can be pretty dadgum disappointing.
If bad choices could be compared to bad lemons, it sometimes seems as if I’ve picked a boatload of them during the course of my life.
And THEN, there are the choices that seemed like they were good at the time — that seemed to pay-off for awhile — and then, out of the proverbial blue — they bottomed out and hit the ground with a notable and messy splat.
So I have to wonder, do we really have choices or is it all some kind of bizarre crapshoot where you roll the dice and then have to accept whatever you get? And what do dice have to do with lemons?!
I’ve always pretty much believed that God is watching out for me, but oftentimes I’m only aware of it when I’m jammed between a rock and a hard place and need help getting out of an unfortunate situation.
And then I gotta wonder, why the heck did God allow the rock to fall on me in the first place?
Sometimes I think I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing until suddenly I realize that I’m actually squeezing someone else’s lemonade, not my own.
It’s like, “Oh please, please like me!” And I find myself squeezing myself into an awkward situation that has nothing to do with who I really am. And then I have to stop and think, “Well, WHO AM I??”
For instance, take volunteering at a church (please).These places can be breeding grounds for codependents who need validation for every breath of air they inhale. “Lookie here…I can do this, this and this and you’ll like me, you’ll really like me!”
But at the end of the day, when you wake-up and realize that you’re tired and just participating in some really questionable activities so that Reverend A, B or C can continue to collect an outrageous paycheck, well…splat.
And I wonder, where was ME in all that? And for that matter, where was GOD??
Or take relationships…. I’ve jumped into “forever” so many times now that when I die, eternity is going to have to catch up with me.
And don’t even get me started on jobs….
And so it goes.
I mutter in astonishment at the silly little games that God plays with me and then I just have to keep going for the sake of the cats.
I GUESS I’m supposed to be learning ad nauseum that ultimately I can’t please or change anyone or anything except for myself. And I guess I’m learning that it’s okay to change my mind if need be.
It’s my mind…what anyone else’s mind is thinking is none of my business.
So I’m busy settling into being unsettled and waiting for the dust to settle (or at least clear out a bit) so that I can figure out what I’m supposed to do to feel settled.
And making gallons and gallons of lemonade….
©August 2011 by Phyllis J. Hanniver